You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
