6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
