my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Vodka?
Forever.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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