my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
