Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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