i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
