now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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