oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
