My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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