I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
