We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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