i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
