She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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