So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
