my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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