yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
