Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
