I am puke
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
