I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
