Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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