I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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