Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
