god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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