the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
