sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
