Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
