You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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