I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
