I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
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my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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