Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
