That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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