a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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