White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
