Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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