hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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