he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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