I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
