im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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