I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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