I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
