Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
