either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
