so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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