Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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