So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
