I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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