We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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