the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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