Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
