i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
