You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
