dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
