I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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