I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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