Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
