using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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