whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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